An inside look at how to win Monte Carlo Night
By Yoki Ambush
When
the stakes are as high as a trip to the K-Hop (pizza), anything goes.
As is the case when it comes to winning Monte Carlo night. It is not
just about the steak and cheese calzone, it is more about the jubilation
of hearing your bunk called as the winners of Monte Carlo night during
Cake + Milk. The right to talk trash to rival bunks about a certain
“hit” in a blackjack hand or a certain “#17” that
came up on the roulette table that enabled the biggest doodee in your
bunk his 15 minutes of fame. But, it is important to realize that the
winner of Monte Carlo Night wins because they are the best cheaters.
If you want desperately to be that bunk, pay attention to the following
tricks that will win you the coveted title. Despite what anybody tells
you, “Cheaters always win.” This is especially true at West
End House Camp, just look at the Blue Machine and every bunk implicated
in an inspection sabotage scandal that never was proven.
The most important step to winning Monte Carlo Night is the successful
smuggling of Blue Chips into the Rec Hall. This can be accomplished
in a variety of ways. But, after years of perfection you will see there
is really only 1 way to do it. Here is how you accomplish it:
1) Copy down the “Rec Hall Duty” schedule from the Mess Hall
porch
2) Tell the Program Director that you are looking forward to Monte Carlo
Night and are wondering when it is gonna be.
3) Now that you know the “Rec Hall Duty” schedule and when
Monte Carlo night is, you need to pick a day between 3-5 days before
Monte Carlo Night to steal the blue chips from the Rec Hall office.
3-5 days is essential because anything later than 5 days and you may
break into the Rec Hall office only to realize the chips aren’t
there yet. Remember how terrible you felt when you heard you had a package
and everyone in your bunk huddled around your bed in envy only to see
you get a few extra pairs of socks. That disappointment will pale in
comparison. Also, no earlier than 3 days before the big event because
security is extremely tight. You wouldn’t try to steal the Declaration
of Independence on July 2nd, would you? The day you pick has to have
a direct correlation to the Rec Hall CITs assigned during those days.
The key is to pick a day that has the worst 2nd year CIT doing Rec Hall
Duty. It is easy to pick out. The guy you want is the one that is only
allowed back because Bill realizes he is being paid a $0 salary anyway.
This kid is the one that drop kicked a camper the previous summer and
had his parent or parents beg Bill to allow him back for another year
with statements like “Bill, we have been working with him all winter
on his behavior.” This kid is the one that you know doesn’t
care at all anymore about camp because he feels he is underutilized
rotating as assistant wiffleball instructor, 3rd Ump in Softball and
watching the road during counselor hunt. This kid is the one that you
know with certainty will be doing Messhall during Color War. This kid
is the one that is the counselor in a bunk with a 1st year CIT that
was at camp for his last year as a camper, but was not in Gottlieb for
some reason and a Senior Counselor who doesn’t speak English (usually
1A for some reason). Although it may seem obvious that the ideal person
is a Schubert, it could be a host of other inept CITs. Let’s just
say if you are choosing between a Brian Bloch, Nick Brown, and Chris
Davis, go with Davis.
4) Once this person is spotted, show up at the end of Free Play on the
day he is Rec Hall and ask him if you can help him put the equipment
back. Since this person is so desperate for companionship, he will be
happy that you want to hang out with him and help out, trust me. While
you are doing this, have the most annoying person in your bunk (ex.
David Hartstone or Chooch) come into the Rec Hall office and take a
Basketball and run away. This will totally piss off the Rec Hall CIT
to the point where he has no choice but to chase the kid down and beat
him up leaving the buried treasure unguarded. While your bunkmate is
taking a beating, fill up your pockets with as many blue chips as possible
and walk out of the Rec Hall office. Make sure you say something to
the CIT as you are leaving like, “I have to get to the Night Activity”
so he doesn’t suspect anything.
5) This is the most important step. DO NOT HIDE THE CHIPS ANYWHERE NEAR
YOUR BUNK. This is the downfall to 90% of blue chip smuggling plans.
A counselor will inevitably go through your locker looking for something
(food, pens, porn) and will eventually inadvertently find your chips,
trust me. Hide the blue chips somewhere that you never see a counselor.
A good example would be in the inner path.
6) During the dead time between 2nd activity period and Dinner on the
day of Monte Carlo Night put the stolen Blue Chips inside a paper bag
and drop them into that random hole in the fireplace. Do not wait any
later because they will start setting up for the festivities early.
Do not worry about somebody seeing it, nobody has looked into that hole
since the 40s. Do not be tempted to bring the blue chips into the Rec
Hall as you are entering Monte Carlo Night. Bunks have tried to give
hand out 20-30 chips to bunkmates to smuggle in with no success. SOMEONE
IS GONNA GET CAUGHT.
7)
When you finally get a chance, nonchalantly grab the chips from the fireplace,
immediately transfer them to the black trash bag to avoid any suspicion.
8) Now if you can’t win Monte Carlo Night with a $1000 advantage,
then you are beyond stupid.
9) Do not be the bunk that thinks they are cool and wears sunglasses and
Black T-Shirts. You do not want any extra attention. This isn’t the
Oscars. The object isn’t to look good; it is to out cheat the competition.
Do not forget this.
10) Anybody in your bunk that asks “What if they use different chips
this year” deserves one of those Weggies where you attach the person’s
grundies to the thing that holds the push broom onto the wall of your
bunk. Surprisingly, some big time sissy in your bunk will ask this question
in order to try to convince others of the danger. It is then that you
proceed with the Weggie (can also be Atomic if not inside the bunk). We
are talking about a camp that went a decade with 1 red whiffleball (Mickey
Mantle). Those chips will be replaced about the same time you find the
letter in Bill’s Cabin that says what to do in case of a tied Color
War.
11) The same punishment should be given to any idiot in your cabin who
says, “What if they have already counted all of the chips and realize
some are missing?” That is a total myth and has never happened. If
you believe that, then you also probably believed Zinny when he said,
“I know who stole Tate’s tennis racquet, but I want the person
who did it to come to me first and I promise your punishment will not
be as harsh.” Or you may also have believed “Color War can start
any day after Visiting day.” Oh yeh, nothing quite like extending
that time after Color War for extra league playoffs, camp cleanups, and
slide shows.
Now that you have the most important cheating out of the way there are
some other ways to “Beat the House” so pay attention.
Go to the Roulette table and find that counselor who has a tough time
doing math in his head. It is often the case that this counselor thinks
that the “1st 12” “2nd 12” “3rd 12” pays
3-1 instead of 2-1. This is a common mistake because they see 3 different
places to put your chips. If you bet $10 on the “1st 12” and
a 7 came up on the wheel, you are supposes to be paid $20 and given your
bet back. Most dealers will give you $30 and your original bet. So, find
3 bunkmates and bet equal amounts on all 3. A guaranteed winner.
The easiest flaw in the odds is during “Special Events” such
as arm wrestling, boxing, knockout, or a Battle Royal. For example if
EJ faces Mendel in a decathlon and EJ is 5-1 and Mendel is 4-1, bet both
sides of the decathlon and you are a guaranteed winner. If the house catches
on to what you are doing and places a “1 bunk, 1 bet rule,”
find a junior bunk and have them bet an equal amount of money on the other
competitor and split the profits. DO NOT TRY TO STIFF THEM AFTERWARD because
little kids can cry really loud and ruin your scheme. Remember how upset
juniors used to get if you wouldn’t give them Cake + Milk.
The worst call of all time is by the kid in your bunk who thinks he is
the biggest veteran (ex. Ryan Wilensky) who says “DO NOT BUY THE
FOOD, IT IS A WASTE OF MONEY.” One chip for a piece of pizza is the
best deal you will see all summer. Do not forget this. Take all of the
money your bunk has and buy out the entire food area. Worst case scenario
you have spent $50 of 2 trays of pizza and 2 trays of Brownies. Like that
$50 is gonna make or break your chances of winning Monte Carlo Night.
PahhhhhhhLEASE. Just remember that in a few weeks you will be excited
about cleaning the entire Rec Hall, a day before Visiting Day, for the
rights to have Pizza for dinner, but were unwilling to give up $50 worth
of chips for a bunk eating bonanza during Monte Carlo Night.
Another important tip. STAY AWAY FROM BRETT WILENSKY. Remember that jerk
who dealt blackjack to Chevy Chase in “Vegas Vacation?” Brett
makes him seem friendly. Even if you beat him, he will tell you to look
at the stage and while you turn your head he will steal all of your blue
chips. Avoid at all costs.
Other than that, stay away from the Dog Track, High Rollers, Keno and
the Money Wheel because it is tough to rig them. And remember if you need
to be entertained, roll a blue chip through the Rec Hall and watch 30
kids riot over it as if they were fighting over the opening kickoff to
an XFL game.
