You
know you are a doodee if...
by Anwar Belt
What
is a doodee? Make your own metaphors. But, imagine some fat, ugly, waste
just floating around having no effect on camp. That is the essence of
the Doodee. He just comes to camp for 2 weeks and nobody ever knew he
was there. Except if the Doodee hangs around long enough (Color War),
then people will get annoyed with him and do anything to flush him.
Although Jeff Foxworthy would argue that there is nothing worse than
a Redneck, in Color War the doodee is always worse. Who would you rather
have on your Newcombe team, Jake Myrik or Allen Moss? At the risk of
stealing an unfunny comedians gig, we are going to use Mr. Foxworthy’s
style to dissect how you know you are a Color War Doodee...
You
know you are a doodee if the best 3 Newcomb players on your team are
standing around you in a tight circle as if they are members of the
Secret Servive protecting you from a sniper on top of the Rec Hall.
You know you are a doodee if when Color War starts you run to the Backstop
to see your name is last on the list despite your last name being Aaron.
You know you are a doodee if you are playing catcher except when the
coach puts you in Right Field when the bases are loaded and the game
is tied in the bottom of the 9th with 1 out.
You know you are a doodee if “5 and out” is how the Basketball
and Waterpolo coach describe you in their scouting report.
You know you are a doodee if you are on the pig buckets side and make
the “mean face” to the other team as you walk out the Mess
Hall.
You know you are a doodee if you are being told how important it is
to have a solid leadoff hitter in the Omelet game.
You know you are a doodee if in the coaches scouting notebook there
is nothing but a picture of a female in your space with an arrow pointing
below her Mason-Dixon line.
You know you are a doodee if you keep making an exaggerated “Extreme
Pain face” during the Tugs and make it a point to make sure the
coaches see it.
You know you are a doodee if you are told, “Hold the eggs with
your index finger and thumb.”
You know you are a doodee if you wear your Color War T-Shirt to Fun
Town.
You know you are a doodee if in your skit you play a member of the opposing
team.
You know you are a doodee if the coaches have to write an R and an L
on each of your hands.
You know you are a doodee if you are wondering why there is no Cake
and Milk.
You know you are a doodee if you are in 4A and are being told, “Kick
it down the 3rd base line.”
You know you are a doodee if you are the lucky person on your team that
gets to have a pocket on your Color War shirt.
You know you are a doodee if on the Intermediate List your name is parallel
to a Schubert.
ENOUGH
WITH COLOR WAR, SOME DOODEES DON’T MAKE IT THAT FAR SO……
You know you are a doodee if you share a bunk bed with someone from
Portland, Maine.
You know you are a doodee if you are paired with the most veteran camper
for “The Name Game.”
You know you are a doodee if you are standing in water 3 feet high with
a bathing suit on.
You
know you are a doodee if you get a letter from your mom every day.
You know you are a doodee if your last name is Depradine.
You know you are a doodee if you know your buddy number.
You know you are a doodee if you line up before second bell
You know you are a doodee if you are a Sick Call veteran.
You know you are a doodee if you come home from Haddlock Field with any
Sea Dogs gear.
You know you are a doodee if you are playing something other than Basketball
in the Rec Hall during Free Play.
You know you are a doodee if you have front row seats to Superman vs.
Atom Man
You know you are a doodee if you have ever worn a collared shirt to a
league game.You know you are a doodee if you hide behind the Jai Lai wall
during Bombardment.
You know you are a doodee if you change your clothes before Breakfast.
You know you are a doodee if you use earplugs when swimming.
You know you are a doodee if you are concerned about finishing your summer
reading.
You know you are a doodee if everyone in the bunk signs your underwear
for the Time Capsule.
You know you are a doodee if you use the lines.
You know you are a doodee if help unload the laundry bags out of Asa and
Marjorie’s truck.
You know you are a doodee if the threat of not being able to go eat dinner
in the Messhall has you promptly writing letters home 2 times a week.
You know you are a doodee if you win Most Improved Swimmer.
You know you are a doodee if you are the person who is told on All-Star
night, “Sorry, they were short 1 mini pie.”
You know you are a doodee if during a Watermelon dessert you open your
mouth when asked, “How many cavities do you have?”
You know you are a doodee if you are perfecting the “double stitch”
Gimp technique.
You know you are a doodee if you are chancing it on the second rafter.
You know you are a doodee if you really believe the “B Game”
is as important as the “A Game.”
You know you are a doodee if as you get out again within 5 seconds of
your teammate hitting a half-court shot in Bombardment.
You know you are a doodee if you can’t understand why you have received
a Consequence 15 times in a row.
You know you are a doodee if you brag about receiving Outstanding Sportsman.
You know you are a doodee if you are protecting your bunk from an Alligator
invasion.
FINALLY
AND MOST OBVIOUSLY
You know you are a doodee if you have ever pooped your pants.
